Anger is a normal human emotion, and one that we can learn to express healthily. Be careful though – anger is powerful. If it’s not dealt with sensibly, it can be destructive to you and those around you, affecting your relationships, work and your enjoyment of life.
You might be here today to seek help for an anger problem, and we’ll dive into the topic below. For now though, let’s deal with how you might feel right now. If you’ve come here feeling full of rage, we have a short breathing exercise that will help.
Sit up, or straighten your back. Take a deep breath in through your nose for 4 seconds, filling your belly with air. Hold that breath for 7 seconds. Breathe out slowly for 8 seconds. Repeat as many times as you need.
What do we know about anger?
Anger experts describe the emotion as a primary, natural emotion which has evolved as a way of surviving and protecting yourself from what is considered a wrong-doing.
If you’re human – you experience anger. But why does it feel like some people have a handle on it, where others explode? This could be down to a part of the brain called the ‘pre-frontal cortex’ – also known as the control centre. The good news? We can all learn to use this part and make better choices in the moment. Learn more of the science here.
An angry moment - making better choices
before
- Get to know the signs – you might start to feel hot, tense, and even more energised, and your heart rate might increase. Recognising this build up might give you time to consider your actions.
- Build better habits – you might be prone to anger when you’re stressed, tired or irritated. It’s important to take care of your overall wellbeing to limit opportunities for anger to take over.
- Practice being assertive – if there is a situation that comes up regularly, why not practice an assertive response? It will make it feel more natural when the moment comes up.
during
- Remove yourself – it is a healthy decision to pause before responding. Practice saying ‘I just need to take five before I answer’.
- Be assertive – state your concerns and needs clearly and respectfully.
- Focus on solutions – The thing that made you angry is already in the past, and going over it probably won’t help. Focus on ways to fix it, or prevent it from happening again.
- Don’t be critical or place blame – when someone blames or criticises us, more often than not, we get defensive. Avoid using critical language, and use ‘I’ statements instead. ‘I’m upset that you left the table without offering to do the dishes.’
- Use humour – sometimes humour can diffuse an angry situation. Make sure you use it appropriately and avoid sarcasm and insults.
After
- Forgiveness – it’s a powerful tool! If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice, creating an angry cycle.
- Build calm into your routine – prevent the anger taking hold again. Try breathing exercises, meditation, movement, and any activities that make you feel at ease.
- Know when to get help – learning to control anger can be a challenge. Seek anger management if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you.
Tony Dyke – TDD Construction
Tony tells us about anger in his life and what he did to get help.
Choose how you react
You will feel anger in life, that is out of your control. What’s in your control is how you react. People develop different styles of communication based on their life experiences. Your style may be so ingrained that you think it’s part of your personality! We tend to stick to one style out of habit but with a bit of effort, you can learn to communicate in healthier and more effective ways. Consider the frustrating scenario and reactions below:
A colleague asks you to take over a project, claiming they have too much on. You’re already busy and they know it. The extra work means you’ll have to work overtime and miss your daughter’s school performance. You saw that same colleague kicking back and scrolling on social media earlier in the day. You start to feel angry.
Aggressive
As has become habit – the reaction comes as soon as you feel the anger. Your face flushes and you feel a rush of energy – you throw your hands up and swear at him, shouting and accusing him of dragging his feet. Your boss walks in and sees a fight, so splits you up.
How does having an aggressive communication style affect your life? Read more below.
Aggression - A slippery slope
If your style is aggressive, you may come across as a bully who ignores the needs, feelings and opinions of others. Very aggressive people embarrass, intimidate and scare others. If you don’t practice controlling your aggression, it could easily get worse, and become physical.
You may think that being aggressive gets you what you want, however, it comes at a cost. Aggression weakens trust and mutual respect. Others may come to resent you, leading them to avoid you or actively work against you.
Passive Aggressive
You push the anger down and agree to the extra work. You can feel resentment brewing, and you wonder ‘why am I always given the extra load?’. To avoid drama, you don’t say how you feel, but you make sure it’s known in other ways. You huff and puff, and you start to give your colleague the cold shoulder.
How does having a passive aggressive communication style affect your life? Read more below.
Passive - Always the victim
If you communicate in a passive-aggressive way, you may say yes when you want to say no. You may be sarcastic or complain about others behind their backs rather than confront an issue directly. You might show your anger and feelings through your actions or negative attitude. You may have developed a passive-aggressive style because you’re uncomfortable being direct and speaking up about your needs and feelings. When you’re too agreeable, you teach the people around you that you are always prepared to neglect yourself, and your self worth suffers too.
Over time, passive-aggressive behaviour will cause you to feel resentful, stressed and powerless. You have taught people that you come second, but you blame them for treating you that way, and think of yourself as a victim. This damages relationships and weakens mutual respect.
Assertive
To respect yourself and the anger you’re feeling – you stand up for yourself. Calmly and clearly, you tell your colleague you won’t be able to take it on, as your plate is full. You don’t explain any further, and you feel at ease knowing you have prioritised your family. The fact that he is dragging his feet hasn’t become your problem. The anger ebbs away.
Want to know about the benefits of assertive communication? Read more below.
Assertive - Strong & empowered
Assertiveness helps you to keep people from taking advantage of you, and can also help you from acting like a bully towards others. The more you train yourself to be assertive, the less anger will overwhelm you when it occurs, because you will start to learn that you can handle any scenario.
Behaving assertively can help you:
- Gain self-confidence and self-esteem
- Gain a sense of empowerment
- Understand and recognise your own feelings
- Earn respect from others
- Improve communication in all relationships
- Create win-win situations
- Improve your decision-making skills
- Create honest relationships
- Gain more job satisfaction
Being Assertive gets results!
Assertive communication is direct and respectful without aggression. Being assertive gives you the best chance of successfully delivering what you’re trying to say. Communicating in a way that’s too passive or too aggressive might allow the point to get lost, as people are too busy reacting to your delivery instead of listening to the message. When communication is clear, you’re much more likely to get a result you want!
OK, how?
Learning to be assertive takes time and practice. If you’ve spent years silencing yourself or being bullish, adapting to a new way of communicating probably won’t happen overnight. Here is a list of helpful tips to get started:
- Assess your style. Do you voice your opinions or remain silent? Do you say yes to additional work even when your schedule is full? Are you quick to judge or blame? Do people seem to dread or fear talking to you? Understand your style before you begin making changes.
- Use ‘I’ statements. Using I statements lets others know what you’re thinking or feeling without sounding accusatory. For instance, say, “I disagree,” rather than, “You’re wrong.” If you have a request, say, “I would like you to help with this” rather than, “You need to do this.” Keep your requests simple, specific and clear.
- Practice saying no. If you have a hard time turning down requests, try saying, “No, I can’t do that now.” Remember that ‘No.’ is a complete sentence and you don’t need to explain why you choose to say it. Don’t hesitate — be direct. If an explanation is appropriate, keep it brief.
- Rehearse what you want to say. If it’s challenging to say what you want or think, practice general scenarios you encounter. Say what you want to say out loud. It may help to write it out first, too, so it’s clear in your mind.
- Use body language. Communication isn’t just verbal. Act confident even if you aren’t feeling it. Keep an upright posture and make regular eye contact. Crossing your arms or legs might make you appear defensive so avoid this if you want to come across confidently. In addition to what you say, your body language and facial expressions are also important.
- Keep emotions in check. Conflict is hard for most people. Maybe you get angry or frustrated, or maybe you feel like crying. Although these feelings are typical, they can get in the way of resolving conflict. If you feel too emotional going into a situation, wait a bit if possible. Then work on remaining calm. Breathe slowly. Keep your voice even and firm.
- Start small. At first, practice your new skills in situations that are low risk. For instance, try out your assertiveness on a partner or friend before tackling a difficult situation at work. Evaluate yourself afterwards and adjust your approach as needed.
Don't ignore it - long term effects of Anger
Constant, chronic anger can greatly reduce the risk of serious health issues:
- Hypertension (High blood pressure)
- Atherosclerosis
- Stroke
- Heart attacks
Knowledge is power
You probably know that you are experiencing anger, whether you hold it in or let it burst out. But do you know if it’s a problem? It can be easy to get into a pattern of behaviour and not recognise that it has got out of hand. Take the handy quiz below to find out where you are on the scale.
Speak to us if you need more help
If you’re struggling with anger issues and don’t know where to turn, please get in touch. This is what we do.
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