Relationships are a huge part of our lives, whether they’re partners, colleagues or family. When we’re getting it right, our relationships bring happiness like nothing else. But like anything worth having – they can also be very challenging. Life throws us relationship troubles, struggles with co-parenting and all sorts of misunderstandings and conflict. With sensible communication, we can learn to deal with any relationship challenges that come our way.

Challenges with your partner

Even the strongest relationships go through rough patches. Remember – you and your partner are on a team, and you want to fix the problem together.

Talk openly – be respectful and honest
Listen to them to understand them, don’t just wait for your turn to speak
Focus on solutions, not blame
Take five – taking time to breathe and prevent an angry outburst is a healthy thing to do.

Dealing with exes

Ending a relationship doesn’t always mean that person is out of your life. You may co-parent, share friends or work together. This is a difficult relationship to manage, but it’s important to get it right for everyone involved.

Set boundaries – decide how much you will talk, and in what way
Move forwards – don’t dwell on old arguments
Be civil – if the relationship has to continue, keep it polite to avoid drama
Respect – never bad-mouth your ex to your children

Be the bigger person!

Remember – you can only control how you behave. If your ex isn’t being respectful, don’t stoop to their level. Be the bigger person and practice remaining calm. You’ll be the winner in the end!

Work conflict

At work, you are going to be thrown in with people who don’t do things your way- they might have different beliefs, backgrounds or work ethics. It’s no wonder it can get heated sometimes.

Respect your differences – not everyone has the same working style
If necessary, address it – make sure to be calm and assertive
Escalate – if the problem carries on, don’t let it eat you up, involve management

Let's talk about anger

Anger is a normal human emotion, and one that we can learn to express healthily. Be careful though, anger is powerful. If it’s not dealt with sensibly, it can be destructive to you and those around you, affecting your relationships, work and enjoyment of life.

Tony Dyke – TDD Construction

Tony tells us about anger in his life and what he did to get help.

an angry moment - making better choices

before

Get to know the signs – you might start to feel hot, tense, and even more energised, and your heart rate might increase. Recognising this build up might give you time to consider your actions.
Build better habits – you might be prone to anger when you’re stressed, tired or irritated. It’s important to take care of your overall wellbeing to limit opportunities for anger to take over.
Practice being assertive – if there is a situation that comes up regularly, why not practice an assertive response? It will make it feel more natural when the moment comes up.

during

Remove yourself – it is a healthy decision to pause before responding. Practice saying ‘I just need to take five before I answer’.
Be assertive – state your concerns and needs clearly and respectfully.
Focus on solutions – The thing that made you angry is already in the past, and going over it probably won’t help. Focus on ways to fix it, or prevent it from happening again.
Don’t be critical or place blame – when someone blames or criticises us, more often than not, we get defensive. Avoid using critical language, and use ‘I’ statements instead. ‘I’m upset that you left the table without offering to do the dishes.’
Use humour – sometimes humour can diffuse an angry situation. Make sure you use it appropriately and avoid sarcasm and insults.

After

Forgiveness – it’s a powerful tool! If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice, creating an angry cycle.
Build calm into your routine – prevent the anger taking hold again. Try breathing exercises, meditation, movement, and any activities that make you feel at ease.
Know when to get help – learning to control anger can be a challenge. Seek anger management if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you.

What's your style?

People develop different styles of communication based on their life experiences. Your style may be so ingrained that you think it’s part of your personality! We tend to stick to one style out of habit but with a bit of effort, you can learn to communicate in healthier and more effective ways. Consider the frustrating scenario and reactions below:

A colleague asks you to take over a project, claiming they have too much on. You’re already busy and they know it. The extra work means you’ll have to work overtime and miss your daughter’s school performance. You saw that same colleague kicking back and scrolling on social media earlier in the day. You start to feel angry.

Aggressive

The reaction comes as soon as you feel the anger. Your face flushes and you feel a rush of energy – you throw your hands up and swear at him, shouting and accusing him of dragging his feet. Your boss walks in and sees a fight, so splits you up.

How does having an aggressive communication style affect your life? Read more below.

Aggression - A slippery slope ↓

If your style is aggressive, you may come across as a bully who ignores the needs, feelings and opinions of others. Very aggressive people embarrass, intimidate and scare others. If you don’t practice controlling your aggression, it could easily get worse, and become physical.

You may think that being aggressive gets you what you want, however, it comes at a cost. Aggression weakens trust and mutual respect. Others may come to resent you, leading them to avoid you or actively work against you.

Passive Aggressive

You push the anger down and agree to the extra work. You can feel resentment brewing, and you wonder, ‘why am I always given the extra load?’. To avoid drama, you don’t say how you feel, but you make sure it’s known in other ways. You huff and puff, and you start to give your colleague the cold shoulder.

How does having a passive aggressive communication style affect your life? Read more below.

Passive - Always the victim ↓

If you communicate in a passive-aggressive way, you may say yes when you want to say no. You may be sarcastic or complain about others behind their backs rather than confront an issue directly. You might show your anger and feelings through your actions or negative attitude. You may have developed a passive-aggressive style because you’re uncomfortable being direct and speaking up about your needs and feelings. When you’re too agreeable, you teach the people around you that you are always prepared to neglect yourself, and your self worth suffers too.

Over time, passive-aggressive behaviour will cause you to feel resentful, stressed and powerless. You have taught people that you come second, but you blame them for treating you that way, and think of yourself as a victim. This damages relationships and weakens mutual respect.

Assertive

To respect yourself and the anger you’re feeling – you stand up for yourself. Calmly and clearly, you tell your colleague you won’t be able to take it on, as your plate is full. You don’t explain any further, and you feel at ease knowing you have prioritised your family. The fact that he is dragging his feet hasn’t become your problem. The anger ebbs away.

Want to know about the benefits of assertive communication? Read more below.

Assertive - Strong & empowered ↓

Assertiveness helps you to keep people from taking advantage of you, and can also help you from acting like a bully towards others. The more you train yourself to be assertive, the less anger will overwhelm you when it occurs, because you will start to learn that you can handle any scenario.

Behaving assertively can help you:

Gain self-confidence and self-esteem
Gain a sense of empowerment
Understand and recognise your own feelings
Earn respect from others
Improve communication in all relationships
Create win-win situations
Improve your decision-making skills
Create honest relationships
Gain more job satisfaction

Being Assertive gets results!

Assertive communication is direct and respectful without aggression. Being assertive gives you the best chance of successfully delivering what you’re trying to say. Communicating in a way that’s too passive or too aggressive might allow the point to get lost, as people are too busy reacting to your delivery instead of listening to the message. When communication is clear, you’re much more likely to get a result you want!