Grief is the experience of coping with loss, and it’s one of the hardest things any of us have to face. If you have lost someone you love or care about, you might be struggling to cope with day-to-day life, cycling through different intense emotions such as sadness, anger, or even relief. There is no right or wrong way to feel, and no timeline you have to follow. Let go of any expectations you have about how grief should look, and read on.

Understanding your grief

Below are some of the common ways people may experience grief but remember – it might look different for you.

Feelings

Sadness or depression
Confusion
Emptiness
Longing
Anger
Resentment
Relief
Guilt
Acceptance

Behaviour

Spells of crying
Appetite changes
Changes to sleep patterns
Difficulty concentrating
Decreased work performance
Social withdrawal

Body

Fatigue/low energy
Mental fog
Headaches
Muscle tension
Digestive issues

Different types of grief

Grief is most commonly associated with bereavement – the death of a loved one – but there can be grief in any loss. You can feel grief for a lost job, a missed opportunity, or an old friendship. The loss of a relationship can bring about the same profound feelings of grief, as well as the difficult realisation that the person you loved is still out there, and the loss is a choice.

The five stages of grief

Many years ago, a model was formed to help people better understand the emotions they were feeling in grief. The five stages were said to go in the following order:

Denial – ‘this can’t be true…’
Anger – ‘it’s someone’s fault!’
Bargaining – ‘if I do this differently, maybe it will change’
Depression – ‘life is so much worse now’
Acceptance – ‘this is my new reality’

We now know that some or all of these feelings can come in any order, with no real rhyme or reason.

Same grief, different responses

When a family loses a member, everyone in that family is affected. Grief can be a shared experience, and can even bring families closer together. But sometimes, different reactions to grief can cause misunderstandings and breed resentment. Consider the example below.

The Baines family have recently lost Ed, their 35-year-old son, to drug abuse. He suffered from addiction from his teen years and was in the hospital for a long time before he passed.

Dan

Dan has never experienced loss before, and the feelings after losing his big brother are overwhelming. He distracts himself at work and at night, he games into the early hours. He’s not taking care of himself, and depression is taking a hold. He doesn’t answer the phone to his mum, he’s terrified he’ll lose control of his emotions. He pushes the feelings down and pretends they’re not there, even though the pain is getting worse.

Jack

Jack has taken a week off work, he can’t concentrate and he’s making bad decisions. He feels a profound sadness to have lost his little brother and keeps breaking down in tears, but he is eaten up with guilt. Ed had been draining his parents of money and stressing them out for years. Seeing him in hospital had been taking its toll on them. Jack can’t help it, he feels relieved too. He doesn’t talk about his feelings because he’s ashamed.

Mum

Sandra isn’t eating and is staying up long into the night crying on her son’s old bed. She longs for him back and is filled with regret. ‘What could I have done differently?’ she thinks. Rubbing her back, she winces from the tension. The next morning, she tries to call Dan again. She’s terrified he might do something to himself.

Dad

Derek is livid all the time, and he’s not sure why. ‘The damned hospital staff should have taken better care of him’, he thinks. And then he becomes angry at himself. Shouldn’t he have stopped Ed getting into all that in the first place? What kind of dad was he? He shakes his head to block out the uncomfortable thoughts. Watching Sandra staring at her phone, he surges with rage again. ‘What the hell is wrong with Dan, ignoring his mum?’

The Baines family is responding to Ed’s death in different ways. At the moment, they are at risk of developing resentments and conflicts as they misunderstand each other. At a time like this, it’s crucial that they foster open communication, empathy, and support.

If Ed’s struggle sounds familiar and you’d like help with addiction, please click to visit our webpage.

Making grief a little easier

Sadly, there is no quick fix for grief. It is a complicated, difficult experience, and the only way is through. It’s important to remember it does get easier. It’s hard to imagine now, but there will be a time when your grief is just a small part of you, a souvenir and reminder of someone you loved.

Below are some ways to make your grief a little easier to deal with in the now.

Share – Talk about your feelings and memories with supportive friends, family members, or a therapist. Sharing your thoughts and emotions can provide relief and comfort as you process your grief. Opening up can be hard, and you may have to take the lead – people can be reluctant to bring up the topic for fear they’re doing the wrong thing.
Don’t Compare – Your experience is entirely personal, and there is no one-size-fits-all for the grieving process. There will be people in your life who can’t understand how you feel and after a while, you might feel pressure to ‘get over it’. It’s important to trust how you feel, and grieve in your own time.
Expression – The pain you feel can be processed creatively – through art, music or writing. Let all expectations go and put pen to paper, it might just surprise you.
Self-care – You need to treat yourself gently while you’re hurting – maybe even take care of yourself as if you’re recovering from the flu. Feed yourself nourishing food, get plenty of rest and boost your mood through exercise. Browse our self-care page here.
Honour – The person you’ve lost doesn’t need to be forgotten, and there are ways that you can keep their memory alive. Creating rituals or celebrations can be a healing way to remember someone, and these can be very personal to you. You might like to write them letters with your life updates, make a scrapbook of photographs of your time together, or celebrate their birthday.